Daddy

My daddy and I

Christmas 1974

Lately thoughts of my dad have been coming up.  He died in 2008 with colon cancer.  It wasn't an easy thing to deal with, and the grieving process seems to be slow.

When my grandma died in March, I was struck with this overwhelming feeling of loss.  Not just her death, but all the ones that had preceded it.  Grandparents, my dad, great aunts and uncles...  a whole generation, gone, and my dad was the first of the next.  And I thought about how I wished I could talk to dad, and just have that fatherly voice in my life.   To be able to connect with him and hear his thoughts on things.

Remember I said I was in burnout the last time I blogged?  Well, I am pulling out of it.  I took some time and worked through a little book called Make It Happen by Lara Casey.  I'll blog more about that later - it's enough now to say, her questions kept bringing up some interesting answers for me, and my dad kept coming to mind.

Last night at 2:30 AM I'm laying in bed next to my husband with my eyes wide open, and this memory came flooding back:   I was between 17 and 19, and we were driving on the FM 1097 bridge over Lake Conroe in Texas.  He was telling me about how he had struggled with picking a job.  There were two on the table, and both had merit.  He couldn't choose which was best for his family.  And then he said, "I was passing over this bridge when it hit me.  God didn't care which one I chose.  Either one would be fine."

At the time I thought maybe he was wrong.  After all, we know that God cares very much about every facet of our lives.  But as I lay there in bed, it hit me that God didn't care because either would do the job, and my dad would have been happy with either one.  He just had to pick.  And that's what I needed to do - just pick and move forward.  God can work with whatever decision I made...  I just need to pick something.

And then it occured to me how odd that conversation had seemed back then, and how odd it was I would remember it now.  Only not so odd, when you think that God knew my father would die before he could share this with me when I needed it, so the Spirit prompted my dad share it with me then, and the Spirit had opened my mind and heart long enough so that thirty years later when I needed that fatherly advice, I would have it.  The maturity to understand in the moment wasn't needed - it was there when I was ready for it.

Take heart, and keep sharing with your kids - they're listening, and someday, maybe when we're gone, they'll be grateful with new understanding.  ♥  Grateful to both my Heavenly Father and my earthly father for pulling me out of this one.