My pink elephant in the room: my weight, and/or my weight loss. Seriously, a lot of people look at me and size me up, but they won't say anything. My family wouldn't ask me about it - they'd talk to my mom. "What's happened to Aine?" they'd say. And now people look at me funny but only a few have asked me about losing weight. My son's speech therapist came out last week and finally said, "You look really good today." I thanked him and smiled... I was wearing a baggy shirt that had grown too big as I shrink, a pair of faded jeans that have a hole in them (that wasn't there when they were brand new), no jewelry other than my wedding ring, and barely a hint of lipstick and mascara. But I looked GOOD. Gave my husband and I a giggle. Here I am at top weight:
Me - Jan 2017
There are two rules you don't cross in polite society: you never ask a woman her age or her weight. These questions will earn you hate looks at best, and at worst, a black eye. However, IF a woman elects to divulge such information, that is perfectly acceptable.
My age is no secret. I'm 46 and proud of that number. I have already lost a lot of friends to murder, car accidents, cancer, and one to a heart problem. I am so thankful every extra year I get on earth. ♥
My weight is another matter. I don't share that because it's been a sore spot with me. I don't like being fat. I never wanted to be fat. When my 2nd daughter was born, I worked my guts out and took herbalife and managed to get my weight down to where I was wearing a size 10. I was a size 4 in college... so still matronly, but with two kids, I was good with that. My husband couldn't keep his hands off me and I was getting long looks from strangers - it's enough to boost a girl's ego.
But then my third daughter was born, and I puffed up due to hormones. After her came the emergency c-section, and the birthing apron appeared on my body. It was so discouraging, there were days I would stare at it in the mirror and cry. Then I had the twins. Hypothyroid loomed its ugly head. I was stretched out so far people were astonished I still had a month to go. Another c-section, dooming me to a third when Keegan was born. I was fat, had a hanging shelf of skin, and sad.
In 2011-2012 I hired a life coach, and I wrote out this long, huge notebook of things I wanted to accomplish. Shortly after that I had my nervous breakdown and I didn't look at it again, but I did remember the way the coach had taught me to write goals, and I kept that up. Every. Single. Year.
2016 was hard. There's no way around it. Politics aside (because I was happy Hillary lost), two of my biggest challenges to date occurred: I was thrust into the world of adult child estrangement, and my son was diagnosed with Autism. There were positives, like going to the family reunion in California and the hot air balloon ride... my 25th anniversary in Seattle was FABULOUS. But these were overshadowed by the fears and frustrations of estrangement and doctors telling us they have no idea what the future looks like for our son.
So. January of 2017 I was writing my goals. Well, I was attempting to write them. What really happened was I would sit and stare at the paper. For a week I did that!! For the first time in my life I didn't know what I wanted to accomplish. All I knew was I didn't want to be where I was. I didn't want to be fat. I HATE being the fat sister/mother/friend. I didn't want to be unhappy. I didn't want to not be able to talk to my daughter. I didn't want to be that person that always says they're going to be a writer, but never finishes anything. I didn't want to live in fear for my kids. I didn't like feeling like I wasn't a good enough mom to give my son what he needs. And I didn't like that I sounded ungrateful, when really, I have always been grateful to God for my blessings, but it didn't change the fact that I was so focused on things out of control, I couldn't think straight. I finally started writing all the things I DIDN'T want to make room in my head for what I wanted. Brain dump, you know?
And then I remembered my "life book" - that binder that had all my goals in it. I started reading it and I realized that either all my goals in there had been met OR I didn't care about them anymore, save two:
- Lose 50 lbs this year
- Finish a manuscript
When I read those, I saw red. Like blazing, pissed off, freaking mad at myself RED. Why in the blooming blazes would I torture myself for FIVE YEARS and not accomplish these things? The simple answer: I didn't know how. And that made me even madder! Five years and I had no more of a clue than before?
So I said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father I wasn't going to make any other goals this year. I only wanted to accomplish these two things, and I didn't care how I did it if even if I had to give up sugar.
Which is exactly what I had to give up.
So the first thing I felt my Heavenly Father wanted me to do was write a prayer journal. I still do this, by the way. I wrote people I wanted to pray for, things I was thankful for, goals I had, self improvements I wanted to make, stuff going on in my life and how I felt about things, maybe a question I had, and most importantly... answers from Him/His hand in my life. This has been paramount to my success. Here's a photo of what it looks like, in case you're interested:
In February I started writing 2000 words a day. I finished my first draft in May. Check off one goal - I'm still in edits and then I'll publish online for readers to read for free. I was aiming for the end of July, but it looks like I'll make it the end of August, early September depending on beta readers.
In March I started getting antsy. Fifty pounds was a big deal and I was scared I couldn't do it if I waited too long. I started sending up some urgent prayers to Heavenly Father - I really needed a plan. One that would work with my hypothyroid, it was still in keeping with the word of wisdom, and would be healthy for me to engage in.
One day a friend of mine posted she had lost 50 lbs with Bright Line Eating. I didn't know what that was, so I googled it. I'm not sure if it was on a vlog on YouTube or on the website, but it clicked that this woman who had developed this system had lost significant amounts of weight, and kept it off, WITH hypothyroidism. Something clicked inside me and I knew this was my answer. This was how I was going to lose weight.
I signed up for the 14 day challenge to get the food plan. No flour, No sugar, you weigh your food and you only eat three times a day. NO snacking. It was exactly what I wanted - someone to give me specific boundaries. I jumped on the wagon on March 16th and lost 12 lbs. the first month and haven't looked back.
I joined the Boot Camp which isn't cheap, but I really wanted to diversify and learn how to be on this program without eating the same things over and over and over. Best thing I ever did. I learned a lot through her modules, I got support online with a boot camp facebook group, and I can now eat out and not take my scale and still be within the "bright lines" - which simply means stay within the boundaries of healthy eating. And ENJOY myself... while losing weight.
Today I weigh fifty-four pounds less than I did on March 16, 2017 (when I started) - I have reached my goal. My new goal - to lose a hundred pounds this year, just doing what I've been doing. The food is much more yummy than when I started out, and I used to not be able to eat bananas - I can eat them now! I can barely eat my whole lunch of a salad and fruit. I'm never bored with my food because there are tons of choices! I don't crave the old stuff. Every once in awhile I think, "Wow, I'd really love a chip." But that's about it. The biggest problem I have is... I miss baking. I miss that, but I'm hopeful over time I'll get over it.
Noticeable changes: I used to be a size 22/24W pant with a 3X shirt. I'm now an XL/16W shirt (sometimes a 18W but those are getting baggy) and an 16W pant. I have lost 6 inches around my belly. I won't tell you my bra size, but I've lost three band sizes and a full cup size. My birthing apron has lost an inch. My rings keep slipping off my fingers. I can wear my grandmother's pearls around my neck now. I can go up the stairs and not sound like I climbed Mt Everest. My massage therapist comments on how amazing it is to work on my muscles now, and I don't snore anymore (that right there is the most intimate confession you're ever going to get out of me!). My dark circles are getting better - WITHOUT makeup.
The only disappointing thing has been my energy levels. I have changed chiropractors, and I think that may make a world of difference. The old one was supposedly helping me not have bone spurs... well, I have them now. And he was supposedly aligning my hips. Not according to the xrays I took a few weeks ago. This new guy did an adjustment in a way I have never been adjusted, and oh, wow. My neck is moving so much better than it has in years! And.. my sex drive went up (oh wait... that was probably TMI too) and my energy levels are better. So I'm hopeful and excited about that. :)
I know these are not the greatest photos - you want to see my body changed. Well, you'll have to wait until my foot is better (I lacerated the heck out of it and I can't move around enough right now to get a good side shot), but here's another head shot of me, today:
No filter, no dark glasses... and I'm good with it. The thing is, I still have a lot of weight to lose. But I know how now, and with a plan, I can do anything.
Incidentally, I submitted work to see if I could get a writing gig. I haven't heard back, but the thing is, I'm moving forward, and I will never have to write those same stinking goals down... AGAIN, because I've finally moved on. And that makes me happy.
I'm proud of myself, and I know my husband is proud of me, and so is my Heavenly Father. And my mom. So.... you know, someday we'll figure out that Autism thing. I've got stuff in the works there. And the estrangement doesn't bother me so much for me anymore - I've given that to God. I worry about my daughter though. She needs her family. But I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for her and eventually things will work out in His way, with His timing. He is aware of what I'm doing, and I know I'm moving forward with purpose. I'm not sad anymore.
I want to share a quote from one of my favorite speakers, President James E Faust: "Perseverance is demonstrated by
those who keep going when the going gets tough, who don’t give up
even when others say, 'It can’t be done.'"
I guess you could say, I'm a little tenacious. ;)
So there it is. Susan, I'll try to write more about the weight loss periodically. Maybe I'll do a "Weight Loss Wednesdays." :) For those of you doing Blue Raspberry Sundays: Now it's your turn. Write about the pink elephant in your life, or in your family's history. What is it that everyone can see, but refuses to talk about? :)
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